The Spider Bride

I lived in Florida next to a canal, like most Floridians, many years ago.

We’d get the occasional gator, which always thrilled the tourists.

But the most terrifying beast in Florida? It’s not the gators, the giant snakes or flying cockroaches.

It’s a giant orb spider. With webs so big you can wear them as a dress. When you get too close this basketball sized spider will vibrate its web, to let you know you’ll soon be dead!

My friend was in town for the week and we’d spent the whole time teasing and scaring each other.

So on his last night we headed over to sit next the canal and share a beer. He was excited about possibly encountering an alligator. Sadly no alligators in sight. But there was a huge web blocking the path to the canal. With a giant spider sitting dead center, its fat body glistening in the street light.

It took him a few minutes to work up the courage to duck under it. He met me on the other side with a grin and he said “I should have shoved in!” we both laughed…

And I shoved him right in! Surprise!

It really was his own fault, he should have known how it was going to end… I’ve never seen a teasing grin turn to pure terror so fast.

I watched him levitate and his soul leave his body. He couldn’t even scream he just started running. The web draped over him like a tattered wedding dress and veil with its owner clinging in terror to his back.

I watched the couple dance through the parking lot disappearing between the street lights. So romantic!

But all good things must come to an end.

After recovering his dignity he and the spider plotted to kill me, so of course I ran into the house and locked them both out. No need to ruin a perfect evening!