addiction affects different individuals. Your reflection on the impact of addiction on your life and the lives of those around you is both poignant and respectful. Thank you for sharing your story and shedding light on such a complex topic.
You started off talking about primary and secondary. I'm secondary and got sucked into addiction faster than I could blink. If you're primary then maybe that's a reason. That's maybe almost harder than having an addiction because you have autonomy there.
It’s so interesting the difference between the two. I’m a primary, but all my friends are secondary. Honestly I think I might have it easy comparatively.
I totally agree with your comparative findings. I feel like secondary makes us emotionally volatile. Or makes me, anyhow. And that's where the drugs come in full force because they made the rest of me numb. I'm struggling with my violent nature when I'm not numbed out. How will anyone choose to be in that space? And I don't want them in it full time anyway. Make me feel good and when that fades please find the door, and lock it behind you.
I never had much of a problem when it came to drugs. I quit smoking pretty easily when I was in my younger twenties and never much cared for substance-les addictions like gambling or porn.
But a few years ago I realized I had a serious addiction that has made my life completely fall apart on a number of occasions- that being an addition to psycho bitches.
That's sounds like a joke but it's not. There's something about cruel callous women, sort of the polar opposite of a nurtuer, or maybe the perversion of a nurtuer- I love them.
And they love me too. Or at least they love how easy I am to control. To manipulate.
Like a psychotic child's favorite toy.
When I get around them, I lose all free will. Straight up become like a crackhead. I'll sell my friends and family up the river just to get more time with them. To appease them. To get that momentary pat on the head, so to speak. It becomes all I can think about.
I didn't realize it was an addiction until it almost killed me a few years ago. That's when I realized I had a problem.
I haven't dated since then. That's the only solution I've found- to completely cut myself off from dating. To live in isolation and focus on my work. That's what I've done for nearly the past seven years.
It's not an easy life because I have a profound desire to be loved. To be a partner. To support and provide for a woman.
And sometimes I think I'm over it, that I've kicked the addiction and can date again.
But then something happens and I realize I'm still in the spider's web. That it's just waiting for the slightest movement to signal where I am so it can come and wrap me up in it's silk cocoon and devour me hole.
And the part that scares me, is that I kind of want it to...
I totally get the “I thought it was a comedy” lol I’ve told some stories I thought were hilarious, but turns out people were traumatized by them.
Your writing is awesome, every description is spot on and no wasted words, definitely my style! 🖤
That makes sense the first few months are generally the most intense and exciting then people settle into the relationship. Cluster B takes those few months to a whole new level. Idealization, obsession and fixation can be quite intoxicating. Mutual mirroring can feel really profound. Most people find that kind of connection addicting, to suddenly feel seen, understood, desired, appreciated to feel loved completely.
Nah you don’t bore me, I enjoy these kind of conversations. You’re always welcome to comment or dm.
I think we probably have a lot in common childhood wise. 🖤
Ooh! Hilarious stories that traumatized people?! You should definitely share your "funniest" with me. I'll probably think it's hilarious. 😂
I developed this kind of joke where, instead of the punchline making them laugh, it makes all their insides drop out. Emotionally, at least. It's my favorite kind of story to tell- though I haven't unleashed it on here yet.
Thanks for the compliment on my writing. I especially like "Deeper," it's sort of a metaphorical memoir. Plus my voice sounds really good in that recording.
I'm trying to create a new genre, combining stories with spoken word and atmospheric music. I haven't got many listeners yet, but it'll come.
I really like your writing a lot too. I think you're going to blow up on Substack. Looking forward to reading more.
Yeah, psychopathic women are always great at first, but also I understand the fall out. You can't run at 1000% like that without getting burnt out. It's the thrill of the hunt that brings it out, I think. But it's also thrilling to be hunted.
And the part that comes after the hunt, when they turn, that's when they devour their prey. That's what gives female psychopaths a bad reputation, I think.
But I don't know, I always kind of enjoyed it. Like I allude to in "The Giver," there's no closer a man can get to a woman than being digested in the pit of her stomach. 😈
I like conversing with you too. You're easy to talk to. I'll definitely haunt your comments and DM's. Feel free to do the same.
Pretty sure I'm not BPD. Doctors suspected it, but they put me on this medication they said would definitely trigger a bipolar episode if I was, but I've been on it for six years now and haven't had a single manic episode.
Though I do kind of get bipolar when I eat gluten- but that only happens once every few years and always by accident.
I think the attraction/addiction is because of trauma- which can have similar effects as BPD. I had the sort of childhood few survive, full of cruelty, neglect, abandonment, physical abuse, etc.
To give you perspective, I wrote a memoir of my childhood once. I gave it to a friend to read and she said "85 percent of this book feels like emotional torture porn. So many bad things happen to poor Andy that the book is hard to pick back up at times. Like this gets DARK. It doesn't make you feel good."
And the funny thing is, I thought it was a comedy!
I could go deeper into detail but I don't want to bore you. Basically I have a hard time believing love is real unless I've squeezed it from a stone.
Like it's not enough to be loved, I need to get the love from an impossible source. From a person utterly incapable of loving.
I think there's this part of me that believes if I get one of these cold, cruel, psychopathic women to love me, to REALLY love me, it'll somehow travel back to my childhood and heal retroactively the love I didn't get them.
I think that's the psychological underpinning of it.
As for as what exactly I find so attractive about psychotic women, it's hard to say. For one, they're easy to talk to.
Many, at least at first, seem to love very easily. They're open and accepting and interested in every little thing about you. Though that only lasts about three to six months.
I think there's a dichotomy between how the relationships start and how they turn so very bad that really hooks me in. Because you see how good the person can be. And no matter how bad she gets, how mean, how uncaring, or callous, you always believe that good side will come back.
Which, for a person who grew up with parents like that is a very familiar feeling.
Then of course there's the sex, which- say what you want about psychos but no one fucks better. It's intense and unhinged and dangerous. Especially as it comes after such emotional turmoil- running around putting out fires you don't know why she started but threaten to burn your whole life down. And to have overcome all that drama and climaxed inside of her- it makes you feel like you've summited the peak of an impossible mountain. There's no other high like that.
There's a lot more- the attraction of victimization, of metaphorically drinking the rancid milk from her toxic teat- but honestly the answer is far too complex to answer in the comments section and honestly, I should probably just write an essay on it. Or a book.
I have written a couple stories that, metaphorically at least, capture what I think is the allure of them. I'll post them below if you want to give them a listen.
I’m not sure exactly how it feels for you but from what you described I feel similar. A sort of detachment from the substances or maybe I just have a lot of will power. I don’t know. I’ve seen addiction up close and personal too and can never quite wrap my mind around how someone can let something so outside of themselves control their behavior. I don’t know if I’ll ever fully understand it, but I do have a lot of compassion for victims of addiction. And so much respect for those who beat it. I see how hard it is and I’m grateful I know I’ll never feel that way. ❤️
I’ve learned it has something to do with the brain’s reward system, which sounds interesting I’ll have to do more research.
It took me a long time to realize it was out of their control once addition had hold. I’m someone who values control even over myself, maybe that plays a part in it too.
addiction affects different individuals. Your reflection on the impact of addiction on your life and the lives of those around you is both poignant and respectful. Thank you for sharing your story and shedding light on such a complex topic.
Such an eye opening read, wow.
HVR recommendations never disappoint
Thank you for the lovely comment.
Hopefully others will feel inspired to share their experiences as well. 🖤🖤
You started off talking about primary and secondary. I'm secondary and got sucked into addiction faster than I could blink. If you're primary then maybe that's a reason. That's maybe almost harder than having an addiction because you have autonomy there.
It’s so interesting the difference between the two. I’m a primary, but all my friends are secondary. Honestly I think I might have it easy comparatively.
I totally agree with your comparative findings. I feel like secondary makes us emotionally volatile. Or makes me, anyhow. And that's where the drugs come in full force because they made the rest of me numb. I'm struggling with my violent nature when I'm not numbed out. How will anyone choose to be in that space? And I don't want them in it full time anyway. Make me feel good and when that fades please find the door, and lock it behind you.
You’re definitely not alone. I had a friend that would go to bars and lay the whole place out just to relieve his pent up rage and frustration.
I think that’s why I have so many secondary and bpd friends, the stillness of my void is calming.
I never had much of a problem when it came to drugs. I quit smoking pretty easily when I was in my younger twenties and never much cared for substance-les addictions like gambling or porn.
But a few years ago I realized I had a serious addiction that has made my life completely fall apart on a number of occasions- that being an addition to psycho bitches.
That's sounds like a joke but it's not. There's something about cruel callous women, sort of the polar opposite of a nurtuer, or maybe the perversion of a nurtuer- I love them.
And they love me too. Or at least they love how easy I am to control. To manipulate.
Like a psychotic child's favorite toy.
When I get around them, I lose all free will. Straight up become like a crackhead. I'll sell my friends and family up the river just to get more time with them. To appease them. To get that momentary pat on the head, so to speak. It becomes all I can think about.
I didn't realize it was an addiction until it almost killed me a few years ago. That's when I realized I had a problem.
I haven't dated since then. That's the only solution I've found- to completely cut myself off from dating. To live in isolation and focus on my work. That's what I've done for nearly the past seven years.
It's not an easy life because I have a profound desire to be loved. To be a partner. To support and provide for a woman.
And sometimes I think I'm over it, that I've kicked the addiction and can date again.
But then something happens and I realize I'm still in the spider's web. That it's just waiting for the slightest movement to signal where I am so it can come and wrap me up in it's silk cocoon and devour me hole.
And the part that scares me, is that I kind of want it to...
I totally get the “I thought it was a comedy” lol I’ve told some stories I thought were hilarious, but turns out people were traumatized by them.
Your writing is awesome, every description is spot on and no wasted words, definitely my style! 🖤
That makes sense the first few months are generally the most intense and exciting then people settle into the relationship. Cluster B takes those few months to a whole new level. Idealization, obsession and fixation can be quite intoxicating. Mutual mirroring can feel really profound. Most people find that kind of connection addicting, to suddenly feel seen, understood, desired, appreciated to feel loved completely.
Nah you don’t bore me, I enjoy these kind of conversations. You’re always welcome to comment or dm.
I think we probably have a lot in common childhood wise. 🖤
Ooh! Hilarious stories that traumatized people?! You should definitely share your "funniest" with me. I'll probably think it's hilarious. 😂
I developed this kind of joke where, instead of the punchline making them laugh, it makes all their insides drop out. Emotionally, at least. It's my favorite kind of story to tell- though I haven't unleashed it on here yet.
Thanks for the compliment on my writing. I especially like "Deeper," it's sort of a metaphorical memoir. Plus my voice sounds really good in that recording.
I'm trying to create a new genre, combining stories with spoken word and atmospheric music. I haven't got many listeners yet, but it'll come.
I really like your writing a lot too. I think you're going to blow up on Substack. Looking forward to reading more.
Yeah, psychopathic women are always great at first, but also I understand the fall out. You can't run at 1000% like that without getting burnt out. It's the thrill of the hunt that brings it out, I think. But it's also thrilling to be hunted.
And the part that comes after the hunt, when they turn, that's when they devour their prey. That's what gives female psychopaths a bad reputation, I think.
But I don't know, I always kind of enjoyed it. Like I allude to in "The Giver," there's no closer a man can get to a woman than being digested in the pit of her stomach. 😈
I like conversing with you too. You're easy to talk to. I'll definitely haunt your comments and DM's. Feel free to do the same.
Absolutely loved reading it, listening to you read it, next level! 🖤
Oh I missed the voice recording, definitely going to check it out!
The secret is to keep the hunt going 😁
I hope you’re right, I love to write, when I figure out the boundaries of substack I’ll post my more edgy content. Maybe I’ll easy people into it…lol
See, you get it 😂 (about the hunt)
I hope we get to read some of the more edgy content!
This almost sounds like the psychopath and BPD connection. We’re like beacons in the night to each other.
Is it the callousness? The confidence and dominance callousness projects? The intensity?
https://thefuncannyvalley.substack.com/p/deeper
https://thefuncannyvalley.substack.com/p/the-giver
Pretty sure I'm not BPD. Doctors suspected it, but they put me on this medication they said would definitely trigger a bipolar episode if I was, but I've been on it for six years now and haven't had a single manic episode.
Though I do kind of get bipolar when I eat gluten- but that only happens once every few years and always by accident.
I think the attraction/addiction is because of trauma- which can have similar effects as BPD. I had the sort of childhood few survive, full of cruelty, neglect, abandonment, physical abuse, etc.
To give you perspective, I wrote a memoir of my childhood once. I gave it to a friend to read and she said "85 percent of this book feels like emotional torture porn. So many bad things happen to poor Andy that the book is hard to pick back up at times. Like this gets DARK. It doesn't make you feel good."
And the funny thing is, I thought it was a comedy!
I could go deeper into detail but I don't want to bore you. Basically I have a hard time believing love is real unless I've squeezed it from a stone.
Like it's not enough to be loved, I need to get the love from an impossible source. From a person utterly incapable of loving.
I think there's this part of me that believes if I get one of these cold, cruel, psychopathic women to love me, to REALLY love me, it'll somehow travel back to my childhood and heal retroactively the love I didn't get them.
I think that's the psychological underpinning of it.
As for as what exactly I find so attractive about psychotic women, it's hard to say. For one, they're easy to talk to.
Many, at least at first, seem to love very easily. They're open and accepting and interested in every little thing about you. Though that only lasts about three to six months.
I think there's a dichotomy between how the relationships start and how they turn so very bad that really hooks me in. Because you see how good the person can be. And no matter how bad she gets, how mean, how uncaring, or callous, you always believe that good side will come back.
Which, for a person who grew up with parents like that is a very familiar feeling.
Then of course there's the sex, which- say what you want about psychos but no one fucks better. It's intense and unhinged and dangerous. Especially as it comes after such emotional turmoil- running around putting out fires you don't know why she started but threaten to burn your whole life down. And to have overcome all that drama and climaxed inside of her- it makes you feel like you've summited the peak of an impossible mountain. There's no other high like that.
There's a lot more- the attraction of victimization, of metaphorically drinking the rancid milk from her toxic teat- but honestly the answer is far too complex to answer in the comments section and honestly, I should probably just write an essay on it. Or a book.
I have written a couple stories that, metaphorically at least, capture what I think is the allure of them. I'll post them below if you want to give them a listen.
I do good work.
I’m not sure exactly how it feels for you but from what you described I feel similar. A sort of detachment from the substances or maybe I just have a lot of will power. I don’t know. I’ve seen addiction up close and personal too and can never quite wrap my mind around how someone can let something so outside of themselves control their behavior. I don’t know if I’ll ever fully understand it, but I do have a lot of compassion for victims of addiction. And so much respect for those who beat it. I see how hard it is and I’m grateful I know I’ll never feel that way. ❤️
I’ve learned it has something to do with the brain’s reward system, which sounds interesting I’ll have to do more research.
It took me a long time to realize it was out of their control once addition had hold. I’m someone who values control even over myself, maybe that plays a part in it too.